It’s 6h30 on my birthday.

I’ve crawled out of my son’s room after spending most of the night on his single bed, beside his crib. He needed my presence following a nightmare, and I got some rest in the process. It’s fine. I snuck out because I thought I’d get better rest in my bed, but I’m awake. So, I’m writing on my phone – because I’ve had an epiphany.

Even though I was less busy when I was childless, my days were truly less fulfilling. I was never bored because it’s not something I feel (I always feel like boring people get bored), but even though I had my hours to myself, my invigorated and creative mornings to dedicate to my writing and my freelance work, after those hours dissipated, I was left finding busy work to pass the time – or going out to kill time. I was always thinking, “What can I do next?” So, technically, I was doing the complete opposite of what slow living asks — because I didn’t have purpose filling my day. 

These days, I spend so much time (waste so much time) thinking about what I’m not able to do because I’m linked at the hip with my kid or the nap wasn’t long enough that I forget that I wasn’t really doing much at all. I forgot that when Jordan used to come home and ask me about my day, I used to tell him that not much happened. Now I always have something new and exciting to share about R. Every day is an adventure, keeping me on my toes. Days certainly felt longer then and I used to get through books a lot faster but when I tune in, after my really Aligned mornings, I remember: those afternoons were fine – but empty from true meaning or joys. 

Maybe this was exactly the shift I needed to wake up to to realize that there really are enough hours in the day and the ones that seem packed are actually just filled with something of greater value, importance, and joy. And while I love to read and get through a book in record time, maybe this forces me to savour my time with a text – and has me learn to value the relationship I build with that text before tossing it aside for another, just to fill my days. 

When I reflect, I even remember the restlessness I felt while pregnant. Killing time on tired legs, trying to see another day pass so I could be one day closer to this little life. And now I have it; how could I spend each day wishing I have more time when I have the most important time of all?

There will always be more time when this all passes. There will be more days where I’m just looking to fill the empty spaces. There will be empty schedules packed full of books until I run out of choices. But there will never again be this moment, these days, these past 17 months I spent with this little dude. I will hold that mindful thought in my heart when I’m searching for those extra hours in my day. I will remember what that empty schedule felt like, and reflect on how much more full my heart is with this routine. 

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There are no photos of my day (yet) because I’m sitting with this blog at 9h, before I start my shower. There will be plenty of photos when the day comes to a conclusion, I am sure. I will definitely add a birthday photo to my self-portrait project (it’s only right).

We are headed to a new baby jungle play space in Switzerland because that’s what I asked to do for my birthday. We will follow it up with a thrift store stop, because it’s next door – and I mentioned I’d take more time to look, since it’s my day. It’s not my favourite thrift location, but the books are cheap and it’s always worth a look. Now, with the plans to redecorate the bedroom, I also want to see what pieces I might score for that space. Jordan said he will get me a bookshelf as my birthday gift, but, as I mentioned, I don’t want to rush and choose – I want to slowly sit with my choices and feel out what calls to me. It’s his space too, so I want to ensure it fits with our general vibe in the house (which is cozy cottage industrial).

Yesterday, as I promised myself in the blog I wrote, I did sit and scribe in the evening. My mood transformed with writing that blog, by the way – as it always seems to do when I sit and write. I ended up writing a final 35 message to my son about my personal – and motherhood – goals for my 36th rotation around the sun/son (the center of my Universe). My primary energetic affirmation for the new year is to truly infuse all aspects of my life with slow and to be a more mindful and present human being (in every area of my life). This includes being more conscious about myself and my needs and responding to them accordingly (ie. self-care, time to write, time to read, wind-down time, etc.). I feel like that is the kindest birthday gift I could give to myself.

I am also open to seeing how my gifts will grow over the next year, and how this will help me develop my spiritual work. I want my healing to take a center stage position in my life, again (2020/2021) – but without it feeling like work or infiltrating my chances to reconnect with myself and simultaneously be a present wife. I am of the belief that the Universe will never give me more than I can handle, so I will take what it gives me, when it gives it to me. I trust that the Universe knows what I need to survive and thrive. I trust and am open to Abundance in its many forms – and welcome if the focus right now is the Abundance of time with my growing son. All on Source’s pace. And I trust it.

I was going to pick TRUST as the word of my 36th year, but I think I’ll stick with SLOW. Slow will be the center of my vision board, and all else will grow out of SLOW.

After all, spring blossoms do not appear overnight; their buds poke through the earth under frosts of winter and continue their resilient and steady push towards the sun, no matter the circumstances. I am a bud – the bud of 36. I am excited to see how I blossom.

Thank you, Universe, for another year of this beautiful life.

xx C