Spring allergies are in full-force. The inconsolable itching ears and throat that I have been waking up with is a literal form of nature torturing me. To be itchy on the inside is complete torment and agony.

I added plants to my bathroom. It’s made all the difference. The bathroom is dated but not ugly, it just didn’t invite you in, as a bathroom should. I added three plants which thrive in humid conditions. I watch them dance as I turn my shower on – perhaps it is the wind produced from the water pressure, or maybe it’s invisible droplets hitting the leaves. I’m unsure and it’s unimportant; it’s as if they are thanking me with their happy dance.

Moving to this house made me realize that I feel suffocated and quite depressed in washrooms that do not have natural light. Our last two houses had our main bathrooms/toilets without a window. I hated getting ready in that space. My husband’s washroom in this house has no window (but has an Italian shower); I hate going in that bathroom. Natural light – and these new plants – makes all the difference.

My son is far too connected to me, reading my mood with his energetic feelers and setting his own in tune to mine. A blessing and a curse – and an added burden of responsibility that I would rather be free of. I would like to feel and release my emotions as I need to, not inadvertently pass them onto my son.

I do not fit into most of my clothes from before I became a mother. It’s not because I have gained weight because I rapidly lost weight. Most may roll their eyes and say this isn’t a problem at all, but every mother is forming a new relationship with their body and mine is no less valid just because I am thin. Excess skin and clothes that drown me, it’s hard to know who I am within them.

These clothes drown my identity. I don’t see myself in my clothes anymore, and I don’t really know who I am through what I wear. Nothing seems like me, or at least not like the me now, and who I am in this stage of my existence. I need to do a large, serious purge or pack-up of what does not serve me. I need to look through what I have and see how I exist within these pieces. I know I have many clothes in a palette who isn’t me. I am a warm person, and I have so much cool in my closet. Nothing about my closet sits right.

This is all I have in me, today. While I do have blogging ideas that are more serving to the Collective, like yesterday’s piece on everyday spirituality for mothers, today, I just needed this space to release. Today is just a vent and lament. We are all allowed such days.

xx C

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Nothing like a sunny day that’s warm and inviting – not too hot, not too cool; smells like fresh Spring or a crisp Autumn.