emo like the pisces moon

He is up. My son – I can see him moving around on the screen. It is hard to ignore him this time because he is also singing. Even though he’s essentially been up since 3h following a nightmare and has really kept me up with him, even though he only fell asleep at 19h when he usually sleeps at 18h, and even though he took everything out of me yesterday – he’s awake. Last night when I was creative journaling, all I wrote in my journal was: there’s nothing left in me, I cannot even fill this page. And now he aims to do it once again, first by taking my morning writing period, then by taking my evenings from the exhaustion.

I am eternally grateful I have the honour of being his mother, but I wonder if my attachment to routines and to the routine of my pleasures is not making me a better mother and instead a more resentful one. I obsessively watch the monitor with anxiety rather than excitement. He is not indicating he wants to leave the bed (he will tell me) but he is still up, and it’s difficult to fall into myself and write from a heart-centered and soul-focused space with my eyes glancing back to him.

I love being R’s mom. It’s the best thing in my life. It’s my greatest priority and it fulfills my greatest need: service and healing and loving someone else. I hope he never reads these entries and assumes anything otherwise. I just know that my passions are important, too. Just as I nurture his passions, I deserve to nurture mine, too.

So, how do I rectify this? I cannot abandon my joys, as we are very much aware how essential they are to mothers – pursuing and prioritizing our joys are how we become better for our children. Do I abandon my attachment to routine? The strange thing about me is that I will often drop a habit if I am not consistent with doing it at the same time every day. It’s one of those days where I am like, what’s the point? This new moon in Pisces is making me really emo – like most Pisces, honestly!

It totally aligns because they are calling this moon the “dark side of the moon” where emotional barriers will be broken down. MoonOmens.com states it will all have, “…some of us feeling like drowning in an ocean of emotions and finding it challenging to navigate life, daily stressors, and mundane commitments while experiencing such a deep awareness of our and others’ vulnerability. Because our sensitivity will be exceptionally high around this time, we may be tempted to rely on familiar strategies to avoid feeling emotions that we perceive as too much, too big, or too painful.” Yeah, no kidding. I asked a soul sister if she was feeling the same and she one hundred percent agreed with this mood.

It is really bizarre to go through my old journals and see myself go through the same waves at the same time each year – the guilt about not reading as much as I was last month, the weird in-between mood where I am trying to unravel my purpose – and the purpose of my passions – and the current obsessions. It is odd, odd, odd. I am truly a woman who lives in seasons.

The New Moon in Pisces also calls me to get clear on my goals while simultaneously letting go of these emotions that arise. I intend to write my goals out in my physical journal tonight, perhaps that is how I will start one of the new journals I get from Japan.

My son is shouting moon, moon, moon from his bedroom – I kid you not. This dude never ceases to amaze me. Our connection is undeniable, his wisdom beyond my comprehension.

---

mundane observations

The birds have returned to feast in our backyard. After months of being quite hesitant, they seem to be indulging in the seed I’ve left and calling their friends to join. Maybe they were new babes and they just didn’t know me, because last year there were around 30 birds hanging out alongside me all the time. Now, it’s two at a time. But I know it will grow. I know they will start to trust me, because I am to be trusted.

I am watching Japanese stationery haul videos which will either inspire me to journal or will lead me down a path where I buy more stationery, who knows. I can bet that if journaling is something you are feeling called to, this haul video is sure to trigger the creative in you. She has literally accumulated a “little something for everyone” with this haul, and you’re bound to find a piece of material that feels like you and your creative expression.

As I write that, I got a message from DHL that my Amazon Japan orders arrive today. It is astounding that something coming from Japan is arriving four days after being shipped to me. That has definitely increased the temptation of it all, and that has definitely picked up the mood — though I wonder: will I have the energy tonight to enjoy it all?

Please tell me why, after lamenting in numerous paragraphs about not having the time or energy to contribute to my joys and passions I just spent half an hour scrolling on Instagram? That application will be the ultimate destruction of me. I have deleted it before, and I’m leaning towards another round of that.

I kept this page open with the hopes about writing about my day and my beautiful Amazon Japan order but I’m too excited to enjoy it, so I’ll share more tomorrow. This is where I part.

xx C

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

How fitting — I feel them fully and completely and release them if they do not serve me towards personal or life betterment. I do not stress about what I cannot change.