In the midst of a bittersweet transition, Claudia reflects on the departure of her husband after three cherished months together. She grapples with the importance of nurturing her own passions while tending to her young son and the new challenges and joys that lie ahead.

last pre-shower weekday morning thoughts

I was up before my alarm again, this morning – and the “sunrise” function didn’t even work on my clock (not sure why), so I’m not sure how my body knew. Baby was still fast asleep, and I was properly awake. I read a little and finished my book, Miracle Mornings. I appreciate the intent of the book and will implement some key features of it, but I still maintain that it was not written for me. I will check out the edition For Writers that I also got and maybe that will resonate a bit more.

Today is my last day of morning writing before I shower, then it’s back to reality and the old routine. And it’s back to my husband working at his (new) office and not at home. It will be bittersweet; bitter because he had three months to witness so many changes with his son and to be a part of so many daily adventures and have fun with us, bitter because my husband is immensely helpful and having him help me around the house was incredible. But also sweet because I’m so grateful that he works so hard to provide for this family and allows me to stay at home and take care of our son while following my dreams and passions, and sweet because I will fall back into my introverted solitude and hopefully be nourished by it. I would rather have him home – if it were ever possible – but I am so grateful we had three beautiful months together, especially during the holidays (my favourite time of year) and our birthdays. That was truly special.

I finished another book as well: The Little Book of Cottagecore. It was cute but, quite honestly, didn’t feel very cottagecore. It also was trying to pander and push a political message which I thought was just really weird and had no place in a book like this; it was bizarre.

inspiration and events

With my inspiration to creative/junk journal rising within me once again, I’m wondering if I should focus on a reading journal since my daily journaling is here, and to chronicle all the books I’ve read so far this year. I’ve lost count and will have to go through my bookshelf, but the best for 2024 thus far has been Little Stories of Your Life – the book that inspired me to start my daily blogging here and, thanks to that book, I am now at day forty. This is day forty. It seems almost impossible to me. In Miracle Mornings, author Hal does mention that after day thirty, a habit seems to become an identity, and it’s true. Today, on the last day of February, day forty of my daily blogging, I will call myself a blogger. Yep, there we go. I’m a blogger. Look at that!

But now I’d also like to make a habit of the journaling. I often do it for a handful of days and then fall out of habit. Even if I’m not writing in that space, I’d like to be creating because it does bring me joy to craft and put the pages together. Like I said, it’s a good “in front of the television” activity. I didn’t have a chance to reorganize my journaling supplies yesterday which makes me excited about doing it this evening. I love organizing – shelves, materials, spaces – and it’s something to look forward to for the first half-day without my hubby at home.

Since we are back on the topic of journaling, I took ages to finally carve into my Hemingway journal, fearful for nearly five years to write my first words, and now the cover is already all scratched up and ruined from sitting in my purse. My regrets are immense – how I could have honoured this journal and Hemingway by writing in it years ago instead of waiting and watching it slowly turn to ruin a mere week and a half after I finally took the leap. What a waste, what a waste.

There are a lot of things on the horizon that I am looking forward to. Now that I have a little walker who wants to explore everywhere, afternoon outs with just me and him will start to look a little different, I’m sure. I was planning to go to my favourite thrift shop tomorrow as a pick-me-up for my husband’s first full day, but I’m wondering if I’m better off going to the car show tomorrow in Geneva because of my son’s obsession with things that go. That would be a little less selfish and a little more exciting for the little. I wonder if I can manage both? I will play it by ear, but I’m leaning towards the car show. I can imagine his little face.

Then, next week, is the salon des livres – the book show in Geneva. You know I’ll be headed to that! I’ve never been before because we moved close to the border in May of last year, and the year before that it was about a 1h (minimum) drive to Switzerland. Now we are just 5 minutes away – and 15 minutes from the exhibition place – so I spend most days in Switzerland. This afternoon we will spend an hour or two at a Swiss mall and let him walk around, go on rides, and have our last little hours together on a weekday afternoon. And I want to start looking into what events are going to happen as the warmer weather sits on the precipice of our calendar, so there are even more things to look forward to.

I think some creative journaling will help me keep all these dates and events more organized, don’t you?

the stress of limited time begins

Today, my son did something new – he told me, “mama nap.” Sometimes he points upstairs, sometimes he reaches his “breaking point” and I know he has to go. But today, only a few hours after being awake, he said, “Mama nap.” Despite this, he didn’t fall asleep right away when I put him to bed and held his hand. Maybe, like me, he sometimes needs a silent, dark place to soothe him when he’s overstimulated or overwhelmed. Maybe, like me, a bed and rest, even if he’s not yet sleeping, helps him tune into himself and release. But I do know my son well and I could feel this would not be a long nap. With the early “entry time” and the wiggling and whining in the crib before he fell asleep, I knew I was on a limited clock.

That meant I already had to shift my routine, and my husband hasn’t even left the house (but he will shortly). Instead of winding down with some time writing, a routine I told myself was necessary for my mental, spiritual, and emotional health, I went straight to cooking two meals for him (lunch and dinner – back to the old two-at-a-time routine). And as I did that with short, stressed temper and feeling rushed and on-the-clock, I was getting angry at tools that weren’t working, was throwing stuff around because I didn’t care if it was a mess, I just wanted to get things done. Even my husband remarked, “You are in a mood and I don’t like it.”

Then, I sat down to write and what did I hear? “Mama — Mama –” My immediate knee-jerk reaction was a lot of cusswords and frustration. Then, thankfully, he was able to self sooth to sleep. But what this did was really clarify to me that I need that writing time. When it comes to cooking lunch, I can turn on the television if he wakes up and keep him distracted while I get it done. Or I can put him in his highchair and plop the videochat with the grandparents in front to allow me a little time.

Cooking him lunch doesn’t take long – and often I know he will reject it anyway – but it’s the cool down time that takes a bit. Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is that this little moment of stress and panic has highlighted how important this writing routine is to me and how prioritizing it allows me to be the best version of myself for my son, and how I need to do it before I do anything else or I will be filled with stress, overwhelm, and regret. Period. My son doesn’t expect food when he wakes; that is a routine that can shift for my needs. He will still get fed, of course, but if I don’t feed my soul, I will remain hungry.

Soul hungry is truly the best way to describe not being able to write. I would use it to describe not making time to read, as well. Really it is about making time, carving out time, because your priorities and needs deserve it. I made an Instagram post about this recently, too. There is enough time in the day, you just need to recognize where those pockets are and to note: for me.

New York + cycles + other thoughts

Did I share this YouTube video yesterday? I’m watching it on one screen as I write on the other. I didn’t have a chance to work through it yesterday and I’m noticing the creator is strolling New York. I have a weird relationship to New York – I went there for another step in my healing journey so it’s hard to really love the city while also looking at it with a sour taste in my mouth. It’s beautiful, but it held an ugly, unhealed part of me.

An interesting fact about me is that I was flown to New York and “hosted” by TedTalk to record an episode for their Sincerely X series – Episode 8, Reclaiming Power. I recorded in the same studio as Shakira and Jennifer Lopez. I haven’t listened to it in about five years now, always moving further and further away from recognizing that young girl speaking. They altered my voice for the series, but it also doesn’t sound like my story anymore. Through EMDR therapy, a lot of those memories have vanished which is the weird power of this kind of therapy (drug-free, may I add), but also makes you wonder how else the brain can be rewired for your benefit.

I am of the belief that meditation and journaling can rewire your brain. Miracle Morning does say that the routine of waking up and dedicating yourself to personal growth will rewire something in you that impacts your entire life and I think any habit dedicated to betterment will do that. And, like that podcast, sometimes I read old entries of my journal and wonder who she was, trying to tune into exactly how she was feeling – though, more often than not, I don’t read and I just look at how I decorated the pages.

I am so attached to routine that even I go through cycles through the year. Guess when I started my new creative/junk journal last year? March first. I kid you not. I just went back to check and I started in an old journal in February and then switched to a new journal with more inspiration in March. When I think about how routine I am, it makes me both fascinated and uncomfortable.

My husband says I have undiagnosed autism (it would not benefit me to know at this age, and I don’t take to attaching to labels to form my identity) but sometimes I think it’s some weird SOCD – soul obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s always, always the same cycles in the same order in the same time of the year. I worry that this shift into creative journaling might lead to a shift out of a passion for reading – but I’m loving it and what I am learning, so I hope not! First step is organizing my materials so I don’t fall into the trap of excitedly buying more…

My husband left to work and I cried. What a blessing it was to have him for three months. He is my very best friend and I don’t recommend marrying anyone who isn’t your best friend. I just enjoy his presence; it feels whole and our family is whole when he’s around. I adore him. I’m so lucky he is so committed to me and our son.

This is where I part for the day. Time to mom-up and clear the tears for my son. I hope he will not be too sad when he wakes and discovers dada is not home…

xx C

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Of course I do! I’m a clairaudient medium and, not to mention, have you read my book: The Transformational Path – How Healing, Unlearning, and Tuning Into Source Helped Me Manifest My Most Abundant Life?