I have decided to write before diving into my work, this morning. While collecting inspiring material for my Pinterest vision board, one of the slow creative accounts I follow on there emphasized the importance of setting aside time for yourself and your creativity before you dive into work, and that even ten minutes centered around your soul’s growth has a beneficial impact on all aspects of your day – including the hours spent on business. So, prior to diving into my emails or invoices or the Celestial Genesis readings for clients today, I’m diving into me. I’m doing a deep-dive into my soul center through the meditative act of writing.
There was a post on Instagram today that triggered some thoughts I’d like to share in this space. It was someone moving from a home they lived in for three years. For some, three years in a home may feel like a lot of time – for others, like myself, I consider three years not very long at all. In my life, I have moved around a lot. In particular, in the last five and a half years of being with my husband, we have moved around more than I can track. Finally, we have found a place that seems like a region we will set roots in. But, despite this potential permanency, I have a hard time forming attachments to physical places.
First, I think moving to Paris on my own in 2018 taught me a lot about this. The only thing in life that we can expect things from and have a permanent dependency upon is ourselves. Period. This is the only certainty in life – no matter what your relationship with other people or places. Everything else is temporal – and maybe even fleeting – when it comes to life. I spent eight years of my life dreaming about Paris, forming this idea of her in my head, and finally taking the leap before my 30th birthday to truly set the plans in place to move there. If you know me personally, you know that I used to say my heart was in Paris; two months later, I realized the heart was a person (my husband). I detached from Paris because I didn’t really need her in the way I thought I did, and because I realized home wasn’t really a place at all.
We used to call the center of the home, the burning fire and warmth of the space, the hearth, and even though the etymology doesn’t connect back to it, I think the word HEART being in there is no genuine coincidence. I think the cliche, home is where the heart is, is also no mere coincidence. I think we carry home with us everywhere. I don’t think it is found in four walls, I think we place it in four walls. I do not get attached to places I call home – not even the ones where I brought my baby home from the hospital to (we don’t live there anymore) because I carry the memories with me. They aren’t in the foundation, in the cement, in the wallpaper, in the wood, in the floors – they’re in my heart. The hearts make a home, not the physical place itself. (All that being said, the thought of ever returning to Canada gives me severe anxiety, and it’s proof that my heart simply cannot find a place to make roots, there. I hope home remains in Europe – I am happiest here.)
That being said: my featured image is a literal dream home…
I have always done my spiritual work in the morning. This has just been a life-long habit since I started my spiritual business in 2015. I feel the most mentally aware and the most connected at this time. When I lived in Canada, I would wake at 5am just to have the morning hours to myself to re-connect, read, write, and tune in. Now, being a mother, I try and capture however many hours of sleep that I can get and worry that my soul-connection with my child is braided so deeply that if I were to wake earlier, he’d take it as an opportunity to do the same. Currently, my husband is working from home, allowing me the time to sit upstairs and write before I wash and to do my spiritual duties for my clients. When he returns to work, this is something I will have to spread out over naptime (both writing for myself and working). I cannot do either in the evenings; I am not mentally or spiritually aligned in those hours enough to do either.
It’s not as if I just stop being connected, but being emotionally drained after dedicating yourself to a small human for all the hours of the day will certainly cause a disconnect come bedtime. It’s why I’ve taken to grabbing a book as the first thing I do after R goes to sleep. It is my attempt to refresh, re-Align, and de-stress in a way that is more beneficial than scrolling but doesn’t require the mental load of spiritual work or meditative scribing. But I do wonder how I will be able to handle the load when the convenience of another adult has gone. Will my work suffer or my writing suffer? Healing is my calling and it is a necessary part of my place in this community, but writing is how I fall back into me, offer myself space – and grace – to myself and my passions, and allow me to, quite frankly, be a better child to my son. When I write, I am fully me. When I heal, I am also fully me – but with a sacrifice of energy in the process. I feel fulfilled with both but they are different kinds of fulfillment. I will have to find a new balance when the time comes (whether that includes longer wait times or changing my routine, we will have to see).
My son is in an extensive “mama-only-period” of his life. The separation anxiety he feels when I leave the room can be a lot sometimes; I feel it energetically. It’s also extended into his sleeping habits. Before, I just had to put him down on his own, and he would soothe himself to sleep without issue. Now, he needs to hold my hand through the crib bars while he falls asleep – repeating “mama” a few times over to ensure I am still there if we are not touching. One day, just for the heck of it, I counted 22 “mama”s in a ten minute period (not while going to sleep, just during the day). Every mama requires a response or he gets louder and more panicked. Imagine now that he is up for around 10 hours a day. Imagine how many “mama”s I hear and how many responses I return to them.
As an introvert and a generally quiet person who listens rather than speaks, it can be overwhelming and overstimulating. But I remind myself that this is just a phase. There are days where I think it has passed and he’s back onto dad and I think to myself, it has been lost, it was so fleeting, it was so sacred and sweet while I had it, and now it is gone. And then I am proven wrong and he still has his attachment – the attachment that overwhelms me and stresses me out at times – and I feel a sense of relief and a flooding of honour. I hold onto that moment of relief and honour when I realize he’s still in that stage as a reminder when it feels like the opposite, some days; as a reminder when I am laying on the floor of his bedroom and holding his hand but just craving a moment to myself to wind down. I don’t feel guilt for those times where I feel defeated because I understand that this emotion is just as quick to pass as his attachment to me. Nevertheless, I hold onto that outpouring of relief as a way to shake me out of it and recognize that it’s a blessing and not a curse, and that all heavy weights and battles are followed with pride and honour.
I am feeling an energy of calm inspiration today. I feel driven, centered, and like a project (for my business, it feels) is sitting on the horizon and ready to emerge. I have not been posting as frequently on Instagram (as I should be) only because I haven’t made the time for myself to do so. Before, IG was my space to release my ideas, thoughts, creativity. Now, this blog has taken center stage. I created the Awakened Little Souls account as a space for joy which, for me, is my motherhood journey. It brings me joy. Yet it brings me more joy when it doesn’t feel like work. I promised myself that it would always be authentic and never forced; creating every day in that space was authentic and never felt forced. But this space has taken priority for my spirit. And so IG is falling a little behind in the process.
I am of the belief that people who need to find me and hear my voice or learn from me or heal via me will do so on the Universe’s terms. I feel the same way about IG; while growth is immensely meaningful to me and makes me feel valued knowing so many people appreciate my voice on their journey, I know that if I don’t allow it to happen organically, it will become a tedious and less joyful space for me. I have ideas for reels, I have things I want to share, but my investment, right now, is really focused on my soul growth and my betterment in slow motherhood. Maybe that investment is tied to the next project for Awakened Little Souls… who knows. I will not enter it with expectation as that defeats the purpose.
An aside as I speak to slow: three more “birthday books” arrive today! I am beyond excited. Everything that is being added to my (immense) book collection hits me in my heart-center and makes me feel invigorated and excited about growing and learning. Speaking to THAT aside, I still have not searched (or was presented by the Universe) for what educational path I want to add to my self-care routine. I enjoy learning and I enjoy growing, especially through spiritual development, and I want to choose something that brings me pleasure but will also benefit the collective. Perhaps I will begin that search today (through Pinterest! As it seems to be a source of so much joy, recently!). I had started a GAIAN CONNECTION course many moons ago but the instructor – someone I once respected – disappointingly turned out to be deeply, deeply, deeply rooted in antisemitism, so I have left that one to the wayside.
I am currently reading WILD+FREE Family and considering how wildly (pun intended) disappointed I was with her first book, this one is fantastic. I had heard that this one was better and it certainly is living up to the reviews. It is approachable, applicable, wise, and inspiring. It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting based on the name of the book and the subtitle, but I am finding it hard to put down (it has pushed a few others far to the sidelines, let’s just say). The first book had an air of pretention and judgment that I couldn’t shake as I was reading it, and this one has absolutely none of that. It is humble and humbling.
Someone asked me the other day how I manage to read so many books (at once) and whether I have a lot of time during the day. I absolutely do not have a lot of time during the day; in fact, I spend most of my days sitting on the floor next to my child. Especially during this phase of his, he wants me glued to him and wants me to be a part of everything he does (independent play is currently non-existent, and if I hold a book while I’m next to him, he’d like to have a peek too). But I make time for reading because it’s important to me.
I cannot fill the cup of my family members if my pitcher is not full. I am not a perfect mom but I’m a much better mom (and wife) when I make time for myself and my joys. I find the time to read because it makes me happy and my happiness is a priority. This is something I’ve learned recently – in fact, Little Stories of Your Life was really beneficial in helping me uncover that. The house will still stand even if the dishes take longer to clean, the laundry sits in the basket a little longer, the meal is cooked a little later. I have my responsibilities in this household (those I have selected to take on, not any that were forced upon me) but I have a responsibility to myself and by honouring that responsibility to myself, I also become a much more centered, stable, and loving person to my family. By honouring myself, I honour my family. Reading (and writing, like I am doing right now during R’s nap) is how I honour and respect myself.
Being “mom” is my most important identifier. It is my most amazing vocation and my greatest joy. But it only remains joyful if I also take time to find my separate identity within the noise of mama. Thankfully I also have a husband who encourages me taking time for me (even if it sometimes comes at the expense of him – later dinners or frozen food if I’m out of time, his favourite sweater sitting in a pile of dirty clothes, etc., etc.). He recognizes how changed and how complete I feel when I take that time to unwind, destress, and come back into me.
Reading is priority for me because I make it my priority. I don’t have time but I find time because I value myself and I love myself more when I am joyful and emotionally, mentally, and spiritually centered. I owe this to myself – and to my family – so I read.
How do you prioritize yourself amongst the weight of motherhood?
A reminder to any Awakened Mama who wants to be featured on my blog and shared to my IG stories that I am still collecting interviews. Not only are you offered a space for free self-promotion but you become a part of a collective community of spiritually conscious and sacredly wise mamas!
xx C
Awakened Little Souls 
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