Today is “one of those days.” Everyone in the house is healing, yet again – this time from the sniffles of weather changing 20 degrees in difference in 24 hours – with sniffles and fuzzy, clouded heads. I always get sick after having a Reiki clearing and I think it’s the final “detox” of the session that my body physically pushes out of me. Considering my entire family suffered the consequences of my past life in Portugal, I guess it makes sense that they’re consequentially feeling the results of my clearing, as well. This soul-interconnectedness is a blessing and a curse.

The problem with me, specifically, when I am in this headspace is that I am short. Very short with all those around me. My “I can handle this,” meter is low, I’m easily overstimulated, and I feel defeated when things go wrong. My ability to multitask, which is low on my best of days, flatlines and, since mom runs the household, everyone suffers as a result. It is on these days where, instead of the gratitude and honour I feel for being needed, I think: Why me? Why can’t anyone else do this? Why am I the only one needed for everything? How come things can’t run without me? Why do I have to carry all the weight?

I believe that motherhood is a pendulum and it’s absolutely normal for these feelings of immense gratitude (I love being so needed!) to swing to immense resentment (I hate that I’m the only one who knows how to do anything), especially when we are running at half-mast and are completely depleted from illness, lack of sleep, lack of food, etc.. I don’t think that yo-yo should make any mother feel guilty or ashamed. I believe these are normal feelings that exist outside of motherhood, as well, but the sensitivity of them – and to them – is merely amplified within the confines of motherhood.

Yesterday, I went thrifting (I was so excited in my last blog!) only to be hit with this killer cold right when I stepped out of the car to shop. “Why me? Why can’t I enjoy just one thing for myself?” I asked the Universe in frustration, mid-nose blow. I ended up forcing myself through the store and, like I said yesterday, making this a shop mostly for me. I got mostly books for me and got two pieces of clothes for me, as well. Did I have the most splendid time and really enjoy the space as slowly as I intended? Nope, not at all. I will try and make up for that disappointment today, at the plant store. But again, since we are all rather unwell, who knows if that will be another rush-around experience – I guess time will tell! (I also realized I need a small break from this thrift location because they don’t update their stock as quickly as I deplete it!)

Unrelated, I have a new community project in mind, for spiritually Awakened mothers. It includes interviewing them and posting blogs about their experience. I feel like there are more ways to have this grow and develop but, for now, I’m going with what I’ve got and we will see how it emerges from there.

Alas, that’s all the brain will allow for today.
Did I end yesterday’s blog with ‘Alas,’ as well?

xx C